Monthly Archives: May 2010

Tonight, I mostly want to cry.


I have a problem. And it can get me into trouble. What is this problem? I sometimes have a tendency to live in the past. A lot of times I tend to live in the past. I think it’s a disease. That I suffer from. It comes and goes. And right now, it is coming on and taking vengeance.

For me, right now, it’s easy to be living in the past. I am in a new town, new place, no friends. A perfect opportunity for me to sit on my comp and look at past journal entries, pictures, and other memorabilia. Which is exactly what I have been up to for the past week. Whenever I see something, it reminds me of something else that happened to me. It sure gets in the way of making NEW memories, when things just remind me of past fun times that can no longer exist. And really, there is no point in looking back. Mostly it just brings on a new fresh wave of pain, like, my heart is missing something. It’s not like you can get it all back. There is no way. Yet somehow, I manage to just wallow in this longing for brighter, happier days.

Tonight I was looking at old notes that my roommates and other friends posted freshman year. Oh what good times I had. I so enjoyed being a careless, annoying, carefree, fun-seeking, and VERY flirtatious freshman, with no thought in the world that there was anything beyond the love I had of my roommates, freshman boys, and ice cream. I miss, so dearly miss being roommates with Karen. She was amazing. We had our ups and downs. And, although it still confuses me, I realize now that the hard times I had was all for the good. I miss being roommates with Cierra and Adelaide too. We had so much fun. So many inside jokes. SO many. Only the four of us would know the meaning behind “Swan Lake” or “Freakshow”. Only they know the full reason why we created the group Mormon nuns.

And these memories, they hurt. Because i know that I can never ever do anything close to like these again. We have all changed. I feel, mostly I have. Which makes it hard to hang out with these girls these days. Esp. one, who doesn’t even try to pretend like she cares for me the way she used to. But that is ok. I have since moved on and created other memories. Yet, still, my disease comes back and makes me yearn for the good old freshman days. Don’t even get me started on all the guy friends I made that I had to say goodbye to.

Then I think of this past year. How I made some good memories. I didn’t have as much fun this year. But the friendships I made were unbreakable. To me, anyways. These people will always be my friends. Even if I fade from their memories, they will remain permanently etched in mine. And that is why thinking of this year is hard. I wish that I could go back in time, and make more of an impression. I wish I could have helped those people in the same way that they helped me. Perhaps I did. Perhaps they will remember me. I will hope so.

But I will always remember talking with Erica. Mostly about me. She always made it seem that life was livable. She didn’t necessarily sugar coat things, and she didn’t try to make me believe that everything was perfect. Everything was realistic, but livable, and in many times, fun. How I miss cuddling with her. And surprising Stephen from his naps when he comes in and sees us spooning on the couch. Speaking of Stephen I miss him too. I miss our Sunday talks. Where we mostly talked about my non-existent love-life, and his ever-complicated one. He also made me feel human. And it was funny to watch him get spooked at that haunted house. And Jeannine. She taught me many things. And I will be forever grateful for her for putting up with me, and trying to understand me. She was the one that taught me most this year. I often think of how at one point in time, every night at about 11, Anthony would show up. And not long after Eldon would show up. Erica and I would time them. And if they didn’t show up, we thought something bad had happened. I miss people coming over to our apartment. I miss going over to Moon D5. Cuddling on the couches, watching movies til 2 (only once!). I miss Bryan really caring for me, and knowing some of my darkest secrets, yet, still loving me just the same.I miss screaming DROVER. And I miss watching Glee and Legends. And I miss teasing Jill about Clancy. And I miss Hirally and Ditta and Jan. And… all of it.

I think of high school too. But the only things I miss from that place was Morgan. And Cathryn. And choir. And I guess Miss Beaver. I do miss my good high school trio. They knew me too. And were still the best of friends anyone could ask for.

I think of these things, all of these things, and usually I am ok. Usually, I say, those were fun times. I can’t wait to make more memories. But not tonight. Tonight, I look back, and mostly I want to cry.

CO Journeys… Inside


So. Here is more on the INSIDE of my house!

This is the upstairs Family room. It kinda connects to the kitchen. It is kinda messy, but I like the room. So I took a pic

My room! It is going to be Cami's room when I leave so it has all her bedding and furniture and stuff in it. I don't really like having to sleep on the top bunk. But I think the bedding is kinda cute. Has my fave colors! Besides, I get my own room, I can't complain!

And here is the kitchen. This is a pic I got from the Realter's website. The current state of our kitchen is prolly not fit for the public eye. But I wanted you to see it anyways.

Again, I took this from the website... it's not this big. This makes it look huge and stretched. But oh well. This is the jack and jill bathroom that kinda connects to both my room and Mak and Meg's Bedroom. I like it 🙂

And, to give you an idea of what the rest of the house looks like, here is the view of the office. Lol. Boxes EVERYWHERE

So, needless to say, we have a lot of work to do still til the house is all the way perfect, but we’re making progress. It is a good house for us.

CO Journeys


So. I have been in CO for three and a half days now. And I have already gone to a Relief Society event, an Activity Days Event (10-12 yr old girls), and a young Single Adults Event. There are some super nice people here in our ward. And man they are SO on top of things. We had our Home Teachers calling us like, a week before we even moved in. We have been brought over dinner, and eaten dinner at people’s houses. I showed up at places and people seem to already know me. “Oh, are you from the family that just moved from MT? Nice to meet you!” Is what I hear every time I go out. Lol. It is actually really nice. This is the most functional ward I have ever been to. It is fabulous.

But enough about that. Here are some pics of  the outside of my new house.

This is a view from off the back porch right after a bout of rain. Sure is green!

This is another view from off our back deck. So, I tried to get a good shot of the pretty popcorn trees that are everywhere in my neighborhood, but of course, the van is parked right in front. Oh well. You get the drift.

This is the road my house is on.

This is the front of my house!

And this is the back of my house! Note the hot tub under the deck... you ARE coming to visit. If for nothing else, we have a wicked hot tub.

Our backyard fence has a gate that opens up into 14 acres of community land that is open to just go and explore. This is kinda what that land looks like. I am excited to go and explore it!

Newest Secret Mission: Code- CO


Well, here I am in good ol’ CO. The process that it took to get me here is kinda a long story. But, I suppose a watered down version wouldn’t hurt, you know, to give some background information. Before about three weeks ago, I was very certain that I was going to be living out the summer in one of my fave places: Provo, UT. But then, one fateful day (practically the deadline day), I kinda on a spur of the moment decided to go home for the summer.Whatever THAT means… home? HOME? Where was that? What makes home, HOME? Provo was my current home. But if I went to my old home in MT, then I would be leaving that home and going to a new home in Colorado within a few weeks (which, in my opinion, was no home at all. Merely a house to which I would reside with my family until I could return to my home in Provo again for school). I was originally going to stay in Provo, because I loved the people that i had gotten to know. I loved the people I assoicated with, and I loved being able to be with those people that I loved. Frankly, I loved the social scene. Yet, I knew that was a selfish reason. I knew that if I went home to MT or CO, I would be lonely, I would have no friends to call on, but, I decided what I needed most was the home that was made HOME because my family was there. They needed me, to help them pack and such. So. That meant. MT. And  then CO. That was the MENTAL and EMOTIONAL process that got me here.

The physical process was also an interesting one. Once I decided that I was no longer staying in UT, it was almost too late. I had to rush around trying to find a ride for me, for my stuff, and a place to store all the stuff that wouldn’t fit on the way up. That in of itself was way stressful. But thanks to some dang good friends and my relatives, we got it all sorted out. Once I got to MT, packing, job hunting and observing at the Elementary sort of consumed my life. This past week has literally been a blur of hectic activity. Monday through Friday I managed to get at least three hours of observing in each day, which was kinda of my break. Even when I was in the kindergarten room helping them do all sorts of patient-wearing things. Then I would come home and help pack, pack, pack. I did manage to steal away on Tuesday night to get the long-needed social scene.  Then it was back to packing. And then Thursday came. And boy, did it come… with a terrible vengeance. We loaded the truck ALL DAY. And it was tough work. My back ached, my muscles were sore. My legs got bruised and cut. It was just so fun. Sarcasm. Luckily, one of my very best friends traveled all the way from Missoula to see me. Possibly for the last time. It was good to have her help load. And then I got to spend the night at her house away from the chaos. Thank goodness for her. Who knows. It might be the last time I see a friend in a looooong time.

I had to be up early the next morning to finish off things at the school. Then, since the trucks were all loaded and everything was done, I had the time to spend the day with Morgan. It was amazing. And I got to see Briggs and Chris. And some people in the ward even put together a grand BBQ for us. There were sooo many ppl there to wish us well. It was tear-jerking to see how much they have been a blessing in our lives. They helped us soooo much on this move. With cookies and meals, and parties, and most importantly the helpers that helped clean and pack and load the truck. Thank God for loving ward members. In fact, it was a couple in our ward’s house that we slept at that night because we had nowhere else to go. Bless them.

Saturday morning we started on our way. It was mostly uneventful. Dad and Cami in one truck. Uncle Chris and Seth in the other. Everyone else (minus Meg who stayed in MT to finish out the school year) in the van. After a while I even got to help drive. It was good to be of some help. The music cd collection was terrible, so I tried to listen to my ipod. That night we stayed in Douglas WY to get some rest. We stayed in a hotel with a pool. We made some makeshift swimtrunks for Seth by cutting an old pair of Pj’s. And kayla wore undies shorts and a tank top. It was fun. It was kinda hard to get to sleep that night. And I couldn’t do anything about it because other wise I would have woken everyone else up… (mom, kerri, cami and kayla)

We left the hotel at about 8:30 Sun morning. Again, a rather uneventful ride. Except Seth and I switched seats. I was in the truck with Chris, where I got to have my brain rattled around by the truck. But it was good bonding time With the uncle. And I got a good car-tour of Denver as we passed it. I was amazed by all the fun things there are to do there. Just that you could see from the road. Like the roller coasters… dang. I want to go there BAD. When we got to our new home, it was about 1 pm. It was exciting to finally see it in real life. I had seen so many pics of it. But now, it was finally real. As soon as we got there we got to unloading the trucks. At around 5, tons of people from the new ward came to help us unload them. And it took an hour. To do them BOTH. We were AMAZED as to how fast it was done. It was amazing.

And today, we have just been doing the tedious task of unpacking and reassembling furniture. Dang, it is slow work. It’ll take us WEEKS to get it done.

Anyhow, that is the story of the actual journey to CO.

Now, about the HOUSE:

The neighborhood is gorgeous. Parker is kinda a big city. But we live in a little area kind of tucked away in a thicket of forest called the Pinery. And it is GORGEOUS here. pines and trees everywhere. It smells amazing. And you can here the wind through the trees.  Our backyard opens up to an area of forest 14 acres big and open to explore. I have yet to do so, but I cannot wait. The house itself is rather interesting to look at from the outside. But the inside is just so… Andersen-like. It isn’t even really anything super special. It is just… us. It already feels like home. I get my own room, and it is the size of two of my MT rooms, and like a million of my provo rooms. The backyard has a little pond/waterfall thing that we love to have running because it sounds like a stream. One of these days we want to have a little campout in our yard, because we have an excellent spot among the trees. The yard is only one tenth of the size of our old one, but it is much prettier. The kitchen is big, their are jack and jill bathrooms which i love. And there is a whole wall that has a map of the world painted on it in the basement. One of my favorite things, is the hot tub in the back. Oh, we’ve already chilled in it a little bit. And we fell in love. So I guess, that is my house in a nutshell.

So. My new Secret Mission: