I have a problem. And it can get me into trouble. What is this problem? I sometimes have a tendency to live in the past. A lot of times I tend to live in the past. I think it’s a disease. That I suffer from. It comes and goes. And right now, it is coming on and taking vengeance.
For me, right now, it’s easy to be living in the past. I am in a new town, new place, no friends. A perfect opportunity for me to sit on my comp and look at past journal entries, pictures, and other memorabilia. Which is exactly what I have been up to for the past week. Whenever I see something, it reminds me of something else that happened to me. It sure gets in the way of making NEW memories, when things just remind me of past fun times that can no longer exist. And really, there is no point in looking back. Mostly it just brings on a new fresh wave of pain, like, my heart is missing something. It’s not like you can get it all back. There is no way. Yet somehow, I manage to just wallow in this longing for brighter, happier days.
Tonight I was looking at old notes that my roommates and other friends posted freshman year. Oh what good times I had. I so enjoyed being a careless, annoying, carefree, fun-seeking, and VERY flirtatious freshman, with no thought in the world that there was anything beyond the love I had of my roommates, freshman boys, and ice cream. I miss, so dearly miss being roommates with Karen. She was amazing. We had our ups and downs. And, although it still confuses me, I realize now that the hard times I had was all for the good. I miss being roommates with Cierra and Adelaide too. We had so much fun. So many inside jokes. SO many. Only the four of us would know the meaning behind “Swan Lake” or “Freakshow”. Only they know the full reason why we created the group Mormon nuns.
And these memories, they hurt. Because i know that I can never ever do anything close to like these again. We have all changed. I feel, mostly I have. Which makes it hard to hang out with these girls these days. Esp. one, who doesn’t even try to pretend like she cares for me the way she used to. But that is ok. I have since moved on and created other memories. Yet, still, my disease comes back and makes me yearn for the good old freshman days. Don’t even get me started on all the guy friends I made that I had to say goodbye to.
Then I think of this past year. How I made some good memories. I didn’t have as much fun this year. But the friendships I made were unbreakable. To me, anyways. These people will always be my friends. Even if I fade from their memories, they will remain permanently etched in mine. And that is why thinking of this year is hard. I wish that I could go back in time, and make more of an impression. I wish I could have helped those people in the same way that they helped me. Perhaps I did. Perhaps they will remember me. I will hope so.
But I will always remember talking with Erica. Mostly about me. She always made it seem that life was livable. She didn’t necessarily sugar coat things, and she didn’t try to make me believe that everything was perfect. Everything was realistic, but livable, and in many times, fun. How I miss cuddling with her. And surprising Stephen from his naps when he comes in and sees us spooning on the couch. Speaking of Stephen I miss him too. I miss our Sunday talks. Where we mostly talked about my non-existent love-life, and his ever-complicated one. He also made me feel human. And it was funny to watch him get spooked at that haunted house. And Jeannine. She taught me many things. And I will be forever grateful for her for putting up with me, and trying to understand me. She was the one that taught me most this year. I often think of how at one point in time, every night at about 11, Anthony would show up. And not long after Eldon would show up. Erica and I would time them. And if they didn’t show up, we thought something bad had happened. I miss people coming over to our apartment. I miss going over to Moon D5. Cuddling on the couches, watching movies til 2 (only once!). I miss Bryan really caring for me, and knowing some of my darkest secrets, yet, still loving me just the same.I miss screaming DROVER. And I miss watching Glee and Legends. And I miss teasing Jill about Clancy. And I miss Hirally and Ditta and Jan. And… all of it.
I think of high school too. But the only things I miss from that place was Morgan. And Cathryn. And choir. And I guess Miss Beaver. I do miss my good high school trio. They knew me too. And were still the best of friends anyone could ask for.
I think of these things, all of these things, and usually I am ok. Usually, I say, those were fun times. I can’t wait to make more memories. But not tonight. Tonight, I look back, and mostly I want to cry.