For as long as I can remember, I have been absolutely obsessed with boys. In kindergarten, I was in love with Eric Farnsworth, much to Makayla’s enjoyment. She would often tease me about it, chasing him around, trying to kiss him, just to make me angry. In sixth grade I had a major crush on Matt. I don’t even remember his last name now. But I do remember sitting at the bus stop with Rachel Peterson, and we would share our fantasies of him together. Often, we’d joke that he actually didn’t like the other, and he’d end up loving ourself.
In eighth grade, I remember walking with my best friend Andrea, and we would talk about our crushes. I had the biggest one on her older brother. And she was in love with his best friend. So we would often talk about them. And write their names on peices of paper to put under our pillows.
In ninth grade, Joel was the one that caught my eye. My goodness was he a cutie.
In tenth grade, I liked Travis. I nicknamed him sheep because his last name was shephard. Ha ha, funny, right? Too bad I was way way too shy to talk to him. Like ever.
In eleventh grade, was my first real real crush. Meaning I knew him, talked to him, and still liked him. I think a part of me will always like him. But he was kinda a jerk. But we won’t get into that, because I don’t really feel like getting all that angry right now.
I liked him on and off through senior year too, depending on how rude he was being that day. But I also had mini crushes on a few other people too.
But it wasn’t until last year that I actually got close to loving someone. No matter how hard I try to let go, I can’t. I know eventually I will get over him. With time, I will learn to forget him. But until then, it’ll just be here, on my mind. Last year I also had a thousand people that I mini crushes on.
Yes. I will admit. I have been very hard-core boy crazy. Yet, this week, I found a quote hidden buried deep within one of my notebooks from last year. I think it came from my RA from last year. It was a letter from my Heavenly Father. Obviously it was written from someone else’s hand, but through God’s eyes. Basically, it was a letter that really has been helping me change my perspective on guys. Before I read it, whenever I saw a boy, I just looked at how cute he was. Or how buff he was. Or how into me he was. Or how I could find a way to talk to him. Or how too cute he was. It was terrible. I would go to church, and when a cute guy would stand to talk, pray, or bear his testimony, all I could think of was how cute he was in a suit. Instead of thinking of Jesus during the sacrament, I could only think of how impressive the boys were who passed the sacrament. This is NOT how it should be. Too much of the time, I would think of guys, and how much I liked them, and how much I wanted one. I was so worried that this is how I would be when I came back to BYU for my sophomore year of college. Thank goodness I found this letter:
My dear child,
Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone; to have a deep, full relationship with another; to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God says no, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved by me alone; with giving yourself totally and unreserved to me; to have an intensely personal and unique relationship with me alone. I love you my child. Until you discover that only in me is you satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with me; exclusive of anyone or anything else: exclusive of any desires or longing. I want you to stop planning and stop wishing. Allow me to bring that person to you. You just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things. Keep listening and learning the things I tell you. You just wait; that’s all.
Don’t be anxious, don’t worry, don’t look at the things you think you want. You just keep looking up to me, for you will miss what I want to show you. When you are ready, I’ll surprise you with a love more wonderful than you would have ever dreamed of. You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready- I am working even this minute to have you both ready at the same time. Until you are both satisfied, exclusively with me and the life I have prepared for you, you will not be able to to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with me. This specific love.
And dear one, I want you to have this wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me, and enjoy concretely the union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer you with myself.
Please know that I love you utterly. Believe it and be satisfied.
This letter struck me so hard. I know now that I need to learn to be satisfied with the way things are now. I need to build my relationship with the Lord, before I can ever succeed in a relationship with anyone else. I need to find strength through Him, before I can ever learn to trust someone else. I need to let him heal me, strengthen me, and enlighten me before I can let anyone else do it. I need to learn to be happy with Him leading my life, because he definitely knows what I need more than I do. As much as I am in love with boys, I need to be more in love with the Lord.